Fear Not

October MUD Reflection

This month has been a month of many challenges, tremendous growth, and much change in my life and my experience in South Africa. In the early morning of Tuesday, September 29th, my host family and I experienced a house robbery. Although no one was physically harmed or hurt, my host family and I were very emotionally shaken from the incident. Not used to being a subject of crime in my little Pennsylvania hometown, I guess you could say my ‘small town safety bubble’ had been burst. I knew these things could happen to anyone, at anytime, and in any place around the world – but once it actually happened to my hosts and me, I found myself shocked, scared and fearful. Nevertheless, I knew my time was not done in South Africa and that God would still use me for his glory. I still felt Bloemfontein was where I felt God was truly calling me to serve, so I chose to remain in Bloemfontein after a period of processing and discernment with my wonderful country coordinators.

The weekend prior to the incident, I had the wonderful opportunity to go and visit one of my fellow South African YAGMS at her placement site. I was experiencing what I’d like to call ‘a one month slump,’ which I define it as an emotional rough patch one month after getting to South Africa, and her host family kindly and warmly opened their home to my visit. The two of us even had the opportunity to meet up with another one of our fellow volunteers for a part of the time. It was such a refreshing weekend of fellowship that allowed all of us to share our happy experiences with one another as well as our struggles and to provide words of encouragement from one volunteer to another.

That Sunday, I had the privilege of attending a church service held by her host mother at one of the local churches. I had many opportunities to talk with her over the weekend, and she had listened to my struggles and provided me with many words of wisdom. That day her sermon focused on struggles and perseverance, and I felt God’s presence in that small church just knowing that she was speaking His truth. Throughout the sermon, she referenced a simple psalm. I didn’t have time to read it, so I placed a random paper bookmark in the page quickly so that maybe I would come across it and read it later.

After the incident, I took a lot of time to process my thoughts and feelings about what had happened. I am generally a fearful person that tends to be scared of a lot of things. Nevertheless, I wasn’t going to let one unfortunate incident stop me from what I feel God is calling me to do in South Africa. I was able to calm down, look at the situation from a distance, and put things in a bigger perspective. However, my fear of another break-in was still deep down within me. I readjusted well to my life back in Bloemfontein, but my lingering fear manifested itself in my inability to sleep at night.

After many repeated nights of inadequate sleep, I knew I couldn’t handle much more. My fear was becoming all too consuming whenever the lights would go out, leaving my mind to wander endlessly. One night, knowing I couldn’t do this on my own anymore, I turned to my source of comfort, strength and truth – the Bible - for my answer. I found that little slip of paper that I had put in my Bible a few weeks prior to this night and I read Psalm 27 which my friend’s host mother told the people in the congregation to read that day. It goes something like this…..

“The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid? When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall, Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me in safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord.
Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, ‘Seek his face!’ Your face, Lord, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.
I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

Over and over throughout the Bible, the Lord tells us not to fear but to have faith and trust in him. “Fear not” is the most commonly found phrase in the Bible used time and time again for generations since Creation, but how many of us actually believe that? I know that God tells me not to fear, I have heard that since I was a little girl, but I still allow fear to consume my thoughts and actions.

Why? In my opinion, there is one thing to read the Bible, but I feel really believing in His Word is something completely different. So I ask myself, do I actually believe what I read? I know if I had read that psalm on that Sunday, it wouldn’t nearly have had the effect that it did that night. But God knew what he was doing when I put that bookmark in my Bible during that sermon. That night, I felt God speaking to me, telling me to believe and to give my fears to him. I prayed so hard that night reciting these words over and over, and that was the first night I slept well in a long time.

So let’s pay attention to what we are reading and really start believing in what the Lord is trying to tell us. Sometimes it takes challenges and restless nights to finally understand – but I feel he uses our weakness and brokenness to get through to us. I love the verse 13-14: “I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” My impression and my optimism towards South Africa has not changed because of what has happened – in fact, it has only made me stronger for the better as I continue to serve with a joyful heart alongside the South African people and love those around me more and more.

Don’t Talk About It, Be About It

September MUD Newsletter

A few weeks before I left for South Africa, a group of my friends and I from home came together to hang out on a random Saturday night. I knew most of the people that we were surrounded by that night, but there were a few people there that I did not recognize within the group. One person in particular that we ended up sitting close to kept repeating a phrase that now resonates over and over in my mind. After anything I or anyone else said that night, he would say “don’t talk about it, be about it,” and that would be the end of it. Then, I thought this phrase was the funniest and the most annoying thing I had ever heard, but I thought it was quite a catchy phrase. However, now this phrase has such a more profound meaning for me and for my time during this next year in South Africa.

Throughout our orientation week in Chicago, my fellow YAGMs and I went through many seminars and workshops attempting to prepare us for our future year of service volunteering around the world. Under the ELCA’s Accompaniment Model, the YAGM staff and alumni repeatedly encouraged us YAGMs to not just DO but to just BE throughout our time abroad. Being a task oriented person who values my time by what I do or what I accomplish, I kept asking myself, ‘how do I just be’? In theory it makes so much sense that to “be” with people is to live with people, to stand alongside people, to walk with people. In theory it sounds great, but coming out of a college lifestyle where all you do is go, go, go, and do, do, do, it still seemed an odd concept to me.

In my attempts to process these words and figure out their intended meaning, I would say this phrase ‘don’t talk about it, be about it’ jokingly to other people in the YAGM program- but I was still trying to figure out how these words really applied to my life and my future experience. At this point, this phrase only signified that we would have to put our words and theories that we had learned and discussed during orientation into practice and that we would have to carry out these ideas with our actions once we got to our placement sites around the world.

Now that I have arrived in South Africa and have been here for about three weeks now, the meaning of this phrase has still held the previous meaning that I had thought of before but now has taken on many more meanings as well. As many of you know, South Africa in its past history was a previous British Colony throughout the Colonial Era. Because of its English past and as a result of worldwide globalization, English is a commonly known language throughout the country especially among the younger generations of South Africans. However, what you might not know is that South Africa has a total of 11 different official languages representing a widely diverse population within the country. Therefore, English is becoming a universal language that ties these different groups of people together in order to communicate.

However, although the English language may be the language that binds different groups of South Africans from different regions together, it is not often used within households of many South African families, among friends within neighborhoods, or within workplaces in cities such as Bloemfontein (or that I have been in contact with anyway). Afrikaans, Sesutu, Tswana, Zulu, Xhosa, and Swazi are among the different languages that I have come into contact throughout the duration of my stay. While it has been such a wonderful opportunity to be exposed to different languages that are so uncommon in our home culture of the United States, it has definitely posed as a difficult challenge to overcome especially in these first few weeks while I am still trying to learn and familiarize myself with the Sesutu language that is spoken commonly here in Bloemfontein.

In my experience in South Africa thus far, I have seen myself doing a lot of “being” and not a lot of “doing” or “talking”. What once was just a concept that I thought was so foreign throughout the YAGM orientation week has now become my everyday life. For me, this experience so far has given me the ability to experience a part of South African life that I might not have if I was only concerned about talking and sharing with others instead of listening and being. What I have found is that actions are truly louder than words. Although I may not understand what the members of my host family are saying to one another, I can still sit with them, laugh with them, and be a part of their lives. Although I may not understand all the words and phrases of the workers of my work site, I can still eagerly volunteer to help, listen to the stories of a fellow worker, and work with a servant’s heart alongside them. Although I may not be able to sing or understand what is going on during a long church service, I can still stand up and dance together with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ with a smile on my face. So it’s has definitely shown me that “”being”, either by listening to others’ stories or sitting silently and observing while not understanding, is much more important than talking and evaluating my life by what I have done or accomplished.

As an encouragement to you, either at home in the United States, in the other YAGM locations, or within South Africa – take the opportunity to talk less but to listen and look around more to what is going on around you. Together, let’s not talk about it, let’s just be about it.

Here's to a wonderful week in Chicago :) I hope all my YAGMs enjoy!